Inside Portrait

Two days ago, I posted a portrait, that shows what I think I should look like from the outside. Because inside I feel so differently from what I actually see in the mirror. Don’t get me wrong: I am content with my looks, but they don’t seem to cover everything I feel I am.

My blog post got a wonderful response from a writer of the blog: Humoringthegoddess, who gave a kind reference to my post and added some interesting ideas of her own. Please click on this link to read her post: http://humoringthegoddess.com/2021/05/03/inner-me-vs-outer-me/Her post got me to think a bit more about this difference between the appearance of the inner me and the outer me. What is going on?

I am very aware of the fact, that the portraits that I paint that don’t depict a specific person, but are a product of my own imagination, that they are actually me. They tell a lot about who I am, how I feel, what I need and what my self image is. And since I develop, this self image isn’t a static thing.

Looking at the portraits, that I added in chronological order, it is noticeable that my first self portraits are male. I remember feeling so insecure and invisible at the time, that I was desperately looking for the feeling of self empowerment. But at that moment in time, I was sure that female strength wouldn’t cut it. Because if I couldn’t feel strength, why would other women? So I projected my own lack of self and security onto the other sex, instead of reaching for it within myself. I know, I know….. a lot of people look for the hero in others first, until they realise that in the end they must be their own superhero. Very true, but not very romantic, so I sometimes ignore this wisdom on purpose. I need inspiration from external factors too. And I love my heroes.

But….. after having been disappointed by a lot of men in real life, for a number of reasons, I slowly started to feel that I needed to be more in touch with women and their way of dealing with the world and its problems. I found more depth and introspection while looking for the female strength, something that I find important myself. But, looking at the female portraits of my inner self, it is still plainly obvious that I am struggling with darkness and the need of being heard and seen. Although the portraits get more colourful and arrogant over time, I can see that I am still not ‘there’. But hey, where am I supposed to be at 43? You tell me…

It’s a boring conclusion, but I guess this is about balance…. in order to become the woman I am supposed to be, I need certain men in my life to teach me some necessary basics and to give me the feeling that as a woman, I am okay. And I need women in my life to give me this typical female wisdom, that men don’t have, just because they’re men. Integrate the two and you have a balanced personality. I am not balanced in the sense that I feel the same every day. I am balanced in the way that I am wibbly wobbly every day. And may that show in my work for a lot of years to come! 🙂 In real life I will be dressing as preppy as possible, enjoying my pearl necklace and Bob haircut. When you rock from the inside, it’s a calming thing to dress down a bit. Also, because I need mature and stable people in my life, the best way to attract them is to look mature and stable myself. That they’re in for a shock a bit later, is their problem 😛.

Love, Eva Mout

Comments welcome.

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